I left for New York City before I even had my diploma in hand. I’d landed my dream internship and knew I wouldn’t be returning to Ohio anytime soon.
I was thrilled. But I was also extremely lonely.
See, I moved to the city with so much conviction, it wasn’t until I actually arrived that I realized I knew exactly one person there: a 50-year-old gay man whom I loved dearly. (He even let me stay with him for months when I got there.) But I knew exactly zero women my age.
While I had plenty of people who loved me back home, it didn’t take long for loneliness to creep in.
Whether you moved to a new city for a job, stayed behind while your friends moved away, or returned to your hometown only to find you no longer fit in, it’s easy to feel lonely after college.
But loneliness is more than just being alone.
It’s the emotional experience of feeling unseen, misunderstood, or disconnected even when you're surrounded by people. It’s a quiet ache that tends to show up during big life transitions (like going from college to career) or after a loss (like drifting apart from close friends).
Mel Robbins refers to this as ‘The Great Scattering.’ Your whole life, you have moved as a pack with friends and peers, hitting milestones and taking each next step together. Then, boom, in your early 20s, that is no longer the case. There is no longer a pack to fit into, but rather everyone is getting jobs, moving, and making their own paths. This can be disorienting because you never see it coming.
Sometimes loneliness creeps in slowly, like when your social life becomes all small talk.
Other times, it crashes in suddenly after a breakup, a move, or a major life change. What makes loneliness especially hard is that it often comes with shame or self-doubt, making it difficult to talk about or even admit.
Emotionally, loneliness tends to follow recognizable phases. It can begin with disconnection (a subtle sense that something’s off) followed by awareness, when you realize what you’re feeling isn’t just stress or boredom but a deep longing for connection.
That’s often when self-doubt shows up:
Is it just me?
Why don’t I have close friends like everyone else?
If left unaddressed, loneliness can lead to avoiding social interaction out of fear or discomfort, which only deepens the sense of isolation.
The good news is loneliness isn’t permanent. It’s a signal, not a life sentence.
After that initial emotional weight, many people feel a phase of longing…a powerful desire to be seen, connected, and understood. This phase, while uncomfortable, is also filled with potential.
Know that everyone feels lonely sometimes
This feeling is completely normal. Just knowing you're not the only one can start to lift the weight.
Find people who enjoy what you enjoy
I once suggested a cycling club to someone in NYC who was feeling exactly how I felt, and it made a huge difference for him. Inspired by that, I joined a book club myself. (We may have sipped more wine than we discussed literature, but I made some great connections!)
Take a break from social media
Seeing everyone’s highlight reel can feel isolating. Unfollow accounts that make you feel inadequate and follow ones that uplift and empower you. Don’t be afraid to log off completely now and then.
Volunteer
If you’re missing the time you used to spend with friends, consider giving some of that time to others. Find a cause that matters to you, and get involved. Volunteering is a powerful way to build the kind of connection you're looking for.
Take a class
You know I’m big on self-improvement. So if you’re craving purpose and connection, sign up for something that stretches you: learn to code, take an AI course, join Toastmasters to improve your speaking skills. Not only will you grow, you might just meet someone else who’s in the same season.
Call a friend
When in doubt, just call. Hearing a familiar voice can bring you back to yourself and remind you that you’re not alone.
Loneliness is real, and it happens to everyone. But it also holds an opportunity: the chance to transform disconnection into deep, meaningful connection.