Your 20s feel like standing in the middle of your life with a map you swear is missing half the landmarks. You think you should know who you are by now. But mostly, you’re guessing.
Growing up, I had decided early on that I was moving to New York City and working in magazines for the rest of my life. I thought it would be great to live alone, maybe with a partner, but it wasn't a priority, and dedicate myself to moving up the career ladder until I was an editor in chief (the head of a magazine). This was the dream.
So I did it. Sorta.
I moved to NYC before I even had a diploma in my hand. By the skin of my teeth, I got an internship at a publishing house that put out magazines including Dance, Dance Spirit, and American Cheerleader, which was perfect for my background in competitive dance and cheerleading.
Three weeks into my internship, I was the first one offered a full-time job. It wasn't glamorous, I was a fact-checker for all the magazines in house, but it was a full-time job at a magazine. I felt privileged to have it (even though it only paid $30k in one of the most expensive cities in the world).
It didn't take long to be promoted to an editorial position at Dance Spirit, the magazine geared toward young dancers. It was awesome! I learned so much, met one of my best friends, and got to live out my dream.
Another year in I was promoted to managing editor, which was seconding command. I couldn't believe how fast everything was happening. My plans were coming to fruition.
The dream didn’t feel like my dream anymore.
For one thing, I wasn't sure I wanted to write about dance for the rest of my life. It was such a huge part of who I was up until this point, but I wasn't sure I wanted it to be a big part of my future self.
Second, the magazine industry was changing: people were getting laid off and whole publications were folding. It didn't feel secure, something I felt was important in such an expensive city.
Finally, I was lonely...like really lonely. I was away from my family and friends. And in a city with 8 million people, it just wasn't easy to make friends. And dating? That seemed even harder, because who could you trust in the days of the Craigslist killer?
Somehow I felt like I was both overthinking and under-thinking every part of my life all at the same time. And this wreaked absolute havoc on my health.
There was a painful bump in my belly for weeks. Finally, one weekend, I couldn't even stand up straight and I knew I had let it fester for too long.
I rolled out of bed, and decrepitly maneuvered myself into a cab then asked the driver to take me to the nearest ER.
After numerous tests, they found nothing. But I knew it was stress that had crippled me.
After that lonely day in the ER, I knew something needed to change. I am not sure I realized it just yet, but I subconsciously was making the decision to quit my dream job, leave the city that pulsed through my blood and return to my home state with no real plan.
It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, but it was right for me. I was changing everything about what I once wanted: I didn't want the big job in the big city.
I wanted people around me who cared and I wanted a job that didn't take over my life.
If you’re in your 20s and feel like you’re constantly second-guessing your choices while also racing forward without a plan, you’re not failing. You’re becoming. The uncertainty isn’t a sign you’re behind. It’s the proof you’re growing.
It is OK to explore. It is OK to go for it. It is OK to change your mind. It is OK to want and need people. It is OK to change careers. It is OK to not fulfill every bit of a childhood dream. It is OK. It is OK. It is OK.
If you are currently feeling these things, tell yourself it is OK. Then make one decision about what will help you feel a tiny bit better.
Don't wait until your health is at stake. Take a step toward the life you want today. It may look different than the life you wanted yesterday and the life you may want tomorrow.
PS: Everything worked out great for me. I changed careers twice, have a job that challenges me and gives me freedom enough to live a life I love all at once. I have a family and while I still dream about the big city, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.