I Used to Think Loneliness Meant Something Was Wrong with Me

I moved to New York City before I even had my diploma in hand. I’d landed my dream internship, packed up my life, and had no intention of returning to Ohio anytime soon.

I was excited. I was proud. And I was incredibly lonely.

I arrived knowing exactly one person. A 50-year-old gay man I loved dearly, who kindly let me stay with him when I first got there. But beyond him, I knew zero women my age.

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Even though I had people who loved me back home, loneliness showed up quickly. I dreaded heading back to my tiny apartment at night, knowing it would just be me until morning. Weekends felt endless as I tried to stay busy enough to quiet my thoughts.

I missed the ease of college. Roommates. Teammates. Built-in community. Instead, it was just me in a city of eight million people, none of whom were my people yet.

At the time, I believed this feeling meant I had made a mistake. Why should someone living her dream feel lonely or sad?

Now, with distance and perspective, I understand this truth. Loneliness is totally normal during the transition from college to career.

You lose structure before you build stability. You lose people before you find your own.

Here are 4 things that actually helped me get through post-grad loneliness:

1. Building structure before building friendships...familiarity creates connection
2. Treating social skills like something you can practice...I tried to be the one to reach out first and follow up
3. Letting go of shame around feeling lonely...new city, new job, new version of you, of course if feels unstable
4. Giving myself more time than I thought I “should” need...real stability took time

If you’re in that in-between right now, I’m glad you’re here.

Trust yourself!

💜 Brianne

PS: Pilar Khawaja talked about finding friends in NYC after moving in 2024. Listen to her full interview here.